wierd sesshy story
by yumichan999
Summary: Basically, me and my friend Thao somehow end up in feudal japan and decide to wander about, looking for sesshoumaru. when we do find him, we make it our personal mission to annoy the crap out of him...
1. Interview with the Demon

Chapter 1: Interview with the Demon

During our wanderings in Feudal Japan, Thao and I managed to run into (and subsequently tackle out of sheer excitement) Lord Sesshoumaru. After a brief scuffle, in which we got smacked numerous times with the flat side of Tokijin, he agreed to answer some of the questions we'd been dying to ask.

Cait: So, Lord Sesshoumaru, are you ready for the interview?

Sesshy: わかりません｡

Cait: Huh?

Thao: What's he saying?

Cait: (to Sesshoumaru) Could you repeat that?

Sesshy: あなたはわかりません!

Thao: What?

Sesshy: 日本語でいってください!!!!

Cait: What are you trying to say? We don't understand your crazy talk!

Thao: …Wait a minute…I forgot to turn on the translator.

Cait: You dolt!

Thao: Sorry! (turns it on) Ok, now ask him!

Cait: (to Sesshoumaru) Sorry about that.

Sesshy: …I'm surrounded by idiots.

Thao: Yay, the translator worked! Who woulda thought a bunch of old computer parts, a bent

fork , and a lot of duct tape would actually work! You're a genius, Cait!

Cait: Yes, I have to say, my own intelligence scares me sometimes. (turns to Sesshy) Ok,

question #1: What is your favorite color?

Thao:You couldn't come up with a better first question than that?

Cait:No, I couldn't. You got a problem with that? Just let him answer the question!

Sesshy:Stupid pathetic mortals. This is a waste of time.

Thao:Why the hell are you worried about time? You're immortal; you've literally got all thetime in the world!

Cait:Just answer the question, dammit!

Jaken:(runs over and kicks Cait in the shins) How dare you talk to the great and powerful Lord Sesshoumaru like that?

Cait:Owwie! Curse you, you little green freak! (sits on Jaken) There, that'll teach you not to kick me! (turns to Sesshy) So, where were we… oh yeah, the interview. So again, what's your favorite color?

Sesshy:(with a rather bemused expression) I rather like the color red. It reminds me of blood, which in turn reminds me of killing weak, worthless creatures such as yourselves.

Thao:That's kinda morbid.

Cait:Note to self: Hide anything that could potentially be used as a weapon when Sesshoumaru's around. Ok, next question!

Thao: Hey, I want to ask a question! My turn! My turn!

Cait:Ok, jeeze, simmer down now, Spazzy, before you wet yourself!

Thao:Ok, Lord Sesshoumaru, question 2: How do you keep those white clothes so clean all the time?

Cait:What kind of stupid question is that? And you thought my question was dumb!

Thao:Just let him answer!

Sesshy:The reason my clothes stay so clean is because, as a demon, I am perfection incarnate. Therefore, dirt doesn't stick to me. Also, these clothes don't actually exist; they are part of this illusory human form that fools you pathetic idiot humans so easily.

Cait:(considering what he said) ….So, since your clothes are an illusion, are you really just running about in the nude?

Thao:Hmm…

(both stare off into space and look as if they're imagining something quite nice)

Sesshy:(a bit irritated) Stop imagining me naked while I'm sitting right here!!

Thao:(snaps alert) Oh! Heh heh, sorry!

Sesshy:Stupid perverted mortals.

Cait:Ok, here's a question: Why do you hate Inuyasha so much?

Thao:You idiot! Anyone who's watched the show could tell you that the reason why Lord Sesshoumaru hates Inuyasha is because he's a half-demon disgrace to the family. AmI right?

Sesshy:Mostly.

Thao:Why else do you hate him?

Sesshy:He smells bad.

Thao:…That's it??

Sesshy:Yes, what else would it be?

Cait:I know how that goes, having a smelly sibling. My sister has the oddest scent: a cross between creamed corn and old seaweed.

Thao:(gazing at Cait) You're really weird. Ok, my turn to ask a question: What are some really good ways to annoy you?

Sesshy:Why would I tell you how to annoy me? Do you think I'm stupid?

Cait:No comment.

Thao:(picks up a stick) Ooh, is this annoying? (pokes fluffy thing on Sesshy's shoulder)

Sesshy: (jumps backward out of reach of the stick, growling fiercely and clutching the fluffy thing protectively) Don't you EVER touch my fluffy again!!!! (to the fluffy thing, almost cooing)It's all right, Mr. Fuzzykins, I won't let those useless mortals poke you with a stick again.

Cait:(staring at Sesshy in disbelief) This guy's as unstable as Charles Manson! One minute he's ready to rip you to pieces, the next, he's cooing to his fluffy!

Thao:…He called it Mr. Fuzzykins?!? That sounds like something some 80-year-old lady that collects Precious Moments figurines would call her morbidly obese cat!

Cait:Are you gay?

Sesshy:(still wary of the stick) No, I am not gay. I was a very lonely child.

Thao:Apparently.

Cait:Aww, does somebody need a hug? (gets up and goes toward him with arms outstretched)

Sesshy:(backs away and growls menacingly) Get away from me!

Cait:(sits back down on Jaken) Jeeze, I was just trying to be nice!

Thao:No you weren't, you were just trying to feel him up!

Cait:Wouldn't you?

Thao:I would, but I'd think of a better plan!

Sesshy:Touch me, either one of you, and you die a very slow, painful death.

Cait:(sarcastically) Oooh, I'm so scared! Ok, next question: Have you ever had a nut thrown at you by a squirrel?

Thao:That's a pretty random question, even for you.

Cait:I couldn't think of anything else. Leave me alone!

Thao:Oooookaaaaaaay… freak.

Sesshy:No creature has ever dared to throw anything at me…(pine cone hits him in the forehead; he picks it up)(in a voice that means death for whoever threw it) Who threw this???

(both girls point at each other, then Cait gets off of Jaken and they both point at him)

Cait and Thao:It was him!!

Sesshy:He couldn't have thrown the pine cone. You were sitting on him.

Thao:Uhh… he has magical telekinesis powers…and can move things with his brain!

Cait:Yeah, what she said!

Sesshy:(thoroughly ticked now) Jaken does not have magical telekinesis powers. He's just a simple… whatever he is. Now, if one of you doesn't confess now, I'll have to tear you both to pieces!

Thao:But it wasn't us!

(Sesshy growls, starts to transform)

Cait:He's transforming! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

(both girls turn and run)

Thao:It's times like this when I wish I was a cheetah…

Cait:Forget the cheetah! Just run!

Thao:Why must the good die young?!

Cait:?!?

(Rin pops up out of the bushes ahead; both girls come to a screeching halt in front of her; Sesshy stops attacking)

Rin:(tugging on Thao's sleeve) Excuse me? Could I have another one of those sweet round things on a stick, please?

Cait:Sweet round thing on a… Oh, you mean a lollypop?

Rin:Is that what it's called?

Thao:Of course you can have one! But you gotta keep Lord Sesshoumaru from killing us!

Cait:We'll give you as many lollypops as you like! Just make him stop, we're begging you!

(both start groveling; Sesshy sighs in exasperation as Rin looks at him, confused)

Rin:Why are you trying to kill them, Lord Sesshoumaru?

Sesshy:One of them hit me in the face with a pine cone.

Rin:But why kill both of them? Why not kill just the one who threw the pine cone?

Sesshy:Neither will admit to it. So, both must die.

Cait:I can tell you right now that it wasn't me.

Thao:Or me!

Sesshy:Then who was it?

Cait:I don't know. I didn't see anything because I was too busy mentally undr—(Sesshy looksat her with eyebrow raised) …understanding you.

(Sesshy gets weird look on his face as he tries to puzzle that one out; Rin looks confused)

Thao:(sarcastically) Nice save.

Cait:Thanks. (speaking so only Thao can hear) While he's distracted, let's ask him some more questions so that he'll fully forget about the pine cone.

Thao:Ok. (back to Sesshy, who's still trying to figure out what Cait almost said) So, umm, here's another question: What exactly are you to Rin? A father figure? Or more of the brotherly type?

Cait:Or are you just a pedophile?

(Sesshy looks shocked and slightly grossed out; Rin still looks confused)

Thao:(smacks Cait across the head) Don't make him angry again, you moron!

Cait:Sorry! I just wanted to cover all the bases! You never know! I wasn't actually saying that he is a pedophile! I just wanted him to know that option was available! (starts groveling to Sesshy) Please don't kill me! I'm too young to die!

(Sesshy watches Cait with a rather bemused expression; Thao shakes her head in exasperation; Rin looks as confused as ever)

Sesshy:This one's rather spastic…

Thao:(turning away from Cait) I do not know this dweeb… (to Rin) Let's go get that lollypopwhile Lord Sesshoumaru decides what to do with Captain Spazzypants over there. (takes Rin over to where their stuff is)

Cait:(gets up and starts running after them) Wait! Don't leave me here with this unstable demon! (catches up to them but trips over Jaken and falls on the translator) Oww!

Thao:Klutz. Good thing your mom didn't name you "Grace".

Cait:Very funny.

Rin:Sind Sie in Ordnung?

Cait:Huh?!?

Thao:Rin can speak German? Who knew?!

Cait:Uhh… I think I messed up the translator… and now it's translating Japanese to German.

(Sesshy walks up)

Sesshy:Was hat Sie Idioten haben gemacht jetzt?

Cait:(pushes a few buttons on the translator) It should work now… in theory…

Thao: I hope it does. (turns to Rin and gives her a lollypop) Here you go.

Rin:Gracias!

Cait:Crap!

Thao:(takes the translator) Here, let me try! (pushes buttons)

Cait:Did it work?

Thao:I don't know, make them say something.

Cait:(gives Rin another lollypop) Here ya go!

Rin:谢谢！

Cait and Thao:GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!

(both start mashing buttons on the translator)

Sesshy:Ceci est une perte de temps. Je pars. (turns to leave)

Cait:NOOOOOO! My invention is ruined!

Thao:Aaack, he's leaving! (runs to Sesshy and throws herself at his feet) Please, take me with you! Don't leave me with this moron!

Cait:What's the point when you can't even understand what they're saying?

Sesshy:Non seguirme o l'ucciderò entrambi.

Rin:Tot ziens!

(she runs over, grabs Jaken, and follows Sesshy out of sight)

Thao:Aww, I had a really good question to ask, too! Dammit!

Cait:(sighs) Until we meet again, my l—(stomach growls)… I'm hungry! (starts rummaging in bag)

Thao:…(shakes her head)…


	2. Pocky, Smurfs, and a Kouga Fanatic

Chapter 2: Pocky, Smurfs, and a Kouga Fanatic

After a trip back to the modern era for new translator parts, Thao and I returned to Feudal Japan, with our friend and fellow anime geek Sandi in tow, to track down and annoy Lord Sesshoumaru some more. After several days of searching, we finally found him, and watched in awe as he (quite literally) singlehandedly annihilated an ugly demon thingy-thing. Afterward, we managed to convince him to stay and chat a bit.

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Sesshy: (sitting on severed demon body part) So, what do you useless mortals want this time?

Thao: (bowing) We simply wanted to see your awesome greatness, milord!

Cait: We are eternally thankful to be blessed with your undeniably awesome presence!

(both bow deeply and repeatedly)

Cait & Thao: We are forever at your service, Oh Great Wise One!

Sesshy: (slightly irritated) Stop that, or you'll suffer the same fate as this pathetic weakling. (kicks demon's mangled severed head for emphasis)

Cait: EEEEEP!! We're sorry! (bows some more)

Thao: We'll stop, we swear! (bows)

Sesshy: …ugh… stupid fools… !?! (is startled a bit b/c he just noticed Sandi, who is standing right behind him and staring unblinkingly at the back of his head) Who are you?

Sandi: …Where's Kouga??

Sesshy: Why would I care where that hairy imbecile is? (turns to Cait and Thao) Do you know her?

Thao: Yeah, she's our friend. Her name's Sandi. We think she has a bit of a fondness for Kouga.

Cait: Apparently fur skirts are right up her alley. She also thinks your idiot brother is cool.

Sesshy: (gazing at Sandi w/ incredulation) …right… So why are you fools here again?

Thao: Because.

Sesshy: Because why?

Cait: Because because.

Sesshy:( getting irritated again) Because because why?

Cait & Thao: Because because because.

Sesshy:(really pissed now) Will you two stop acting like children and answer my question???

Thao: (thinks about it) …nope!

Sesshy: (left eye starts twitching) …

Cait: (snickering) Aww, Fluffy-sama, you're so cute when you're pissed!

Sesshy: (eye twitches some more) …What did you just call me??

Cait: Fluffy-sama! It's so much easier to say than "Sesshoumaru."

Thao: Just be thankful that she didn't call you Sesshy-kun or Maru-chan or any other weird nicknames like that.

Sesshy: (looks up at the sky in exasperation) Why must the gods torture me so?

Cait & Thao: (look at each other with evil smirks, then turn to Sesshy) Because.

Sesshy: (gazing at them) …I hate you.

Cait: (looks excitedly at Thao) Ya here that, Thao? He hates us! That's one step up from loathing!!

Thao: I feel so special…

(both girls give each other high-fives; Sesshy looks like he either wants to murder something or run away screaming)

Cait: So, are we as annoying as, say, Jaken?

Sesshy: Jaken has nothing on you two cretins.

Thao: Yay!

Cait: Okay, do we annoy you as much as Inuyasha does?

Sesshy: Inuyasha annoys me with his stupidity. With you two, it's more like… (trails off and gets really weird look on his face; he looks over his shoulder at Sandi) What in the hell are you doing??

Sandi: (is holding on to the end of Sesshy's fluffy and sniffing it) I can (sniff) smell Kouga (sniff sniff) on you! (sniff) Where is he?? (sniff)

(Sesshy simply stares at her; Cait and Thao both crack up)

Sesshy: (to Sandi) What in the name of the gods is wrong with you??

Thao: FYI, this isn't normal Sandi behavior. She's just over-excited to be in feudal Japan, that's all.

Sesshy: (turns away from Sandi, who is still clutching the end of his fluff) That's over-excitement? I call that insanity.

Cait: ……I'm hungry! (starts rummaging in bag and pulls out a pack of Pocky) Mmmm…. Pocky… The sweet, sweet ambrosia of life…

Sesshy: (gazing at Cait) You're insane too.

Thao: Looks like we're the only normal ones here.

Sesshy: No, it looks like I am the only normal one here. You three make Totosai look sane.

Cait: (through a mouthful of Pocky, spraying crumbs all over Sesshy) Hey! I take offense at that!

Sesshy: (with a very disgusted expression) …You just spit crumbs all over me…

Cait: (blinks) …oh… I'm sorry… Want some Pocky? (holds out box to Sesshy)

Thao: You idiot! You can't give him chocolate Pocky!

Cait: Why not?

Thao: Chocolate kills dogs!

Cait: So?

Thao: So you might just kill Lord Sesshoumaru by giving him Pocky!

Cait: Well, he doesn't have to eat it!

Thao: What else is he going to do with it, if he's not going to eat it????

Cait: (thinking) Hmm… he could smoke it…

Thao: (beating her head against the nearest tree) Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god…

Sesshy: What a lame conversation. Could you two possibly argue about something stupider??

Cait: We could argue about theories as to why Smurfs are blue!

Thao: (gazes at Cait) I still can't fathom how your brain works…

Sesshy: … What is a Smurf?

Cait: Well, they're these little blue guys, kinda like really short Jakens except they actually have noses, and they run about in only their pants and these gay little hats. Oh, and they only have one female.

Sesshy: (thinks about it) …So how do they reproduce with only one female?

Thao: Who cares?

Cait: Maybe they reproduce by budding, like sponges!

Thao: Why in the hell would they reproduce by budding?

Cait: Why in the hell are they blue?

Sesshy: (getting rather annoyed) Oh, for the love of kami, would you two idiots stop arguing? You're as irritating as Kouga! (instantly regrets saying that name)

Sandi: (pops up from behind Sesshy) KOUGA?!? WHERE?? (starts running about, looking for Kouga) WHERE IS HE??

Cait: (watching Sandi w/ a look of detached interest) And you guys thought I was nuts…

Thao: (to Sesshy) You just had to say it, didn't you? (reaches in bag and pulls out Kouga plushie) Sandi, here's Kouga!

Sandi: (looks up from the hollow log she was inspecting) KOUGA!!! (runs over, grabs plushie, and starts cuddling with it) Chyah!! I got Kouga!

Sesshy: ….(speechless)…

Thao: I'm impressed, Sandi. You've managed to astonish someone with the emotional range of a pebble.

Cait: (gets camera out of bag) I gotta get a picture of this! It's not every day you see Fluffy-sama looking like someone just groped him! (snaps picture)

Sesshy: (looks at camera w/ startled look) What did you just do?

Cait: I took a picture of you. See? (shows him the preview on the camera) When I get home, I'm gonna print it off and add it to my collection! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Thao: Hey, I thought I told you I wanted some of those pictures, too!

Sesshy: Why do you two have pictures of me?

Cait: Cuz you're freakin hot and we're obsessed fangirls!

(Sesshy looks at her with eyebrow raised; Thao stares at Cait w/ a look that says "I can't believe you just said that")

Cait: Hey, that's another cute pic! (snaps another picture of Sesshy)Yay!

Sesshy: AHH! My eyes! Why's it so damn bright?

Thao: (to Cait) You should stop. You might make him go postal on us.

Cait: Ok, just one more! (snaps yet another picture)

Sesshy: (blinking) Will you stop flashing that thing!? I'm seeing purple spots now!

Thao: Don't worry, that'll go away in a few minutes.

Cait: MUAHAHAHA! I have more pictures! (gets maniacal look on her face) My precioussss…

Sandi: (looks at Cait) Ok, that was just creepy…

Cait: And you cuddling a Kouga plushie isn't creepy??

Sesshy: (looking at Sandi in amazement) She said something that wasn't about Kouga…

Thao: We told you that wasn't normal Sandi behavior. She just needed to calm down a bit.

Sandi: (pointing at some object in the sky) Look! What is it?

Cait: It's a bird!

Thao: It's a plane!

Sesshy: (rolling eyes) It's Jaken and Rin on Ah-Un, you stupid mortals.

Cait: (looking at Thao) They don't even have planes in feudal Japan, you numbskull!

Thao: I wouldn't talk! It's waaaay too friggin big to be a bird!

(Ah-Un lands; Jaken and Rin get off)

Rin: (running towards the group) Lord Sesshoumaru! Did you get that big ugly demon?

Cait: He sure did!! He killed that thing dead!!!

Thao: We seriously need to get you some medication…

Rin: (looks at Thao and Cait, then grins at Sesshy) Lord Sesshoumaru! Your crazy friends are back! Yay!

Sesshy: (looks like he wants to puke) These fools are not-(is cut off by Cait)

Cait: Hey Rin! Me and Thao brought ya some lollypops! (digs bag of candy out of their backpack)

Rin: (eyes widening in delight) OOOOOOH!! Thank you so much!!

Cait & Thao: (squealing) Oh, she's so damn cute!!! (both hug Rin)

Sesshy: (getting irritated) Must you two be so loud?

Jaken: (to Cait & Thao) Stop that irritating squealing! You're annoying Lord Sesshoumaru!

(Cait gives Jaken a rather Sesshoumaru-like glare; Jaken whimpers and runs and hides behind Sesshy's legs)

Sesshy: (sigh) You really have no pride, do you, Jaken? Frightened away by a human girl…

Thao: I don't blame him. She frightens me at times.

Cait: Aww, shut up you two. Rin likes me!

Thao: Rin likes everybody.

Cait: Exactly. Therefore, she wouldn't mind if we followed her around like she follows Fluffy-sama!

Rin: (blinking) You'd really follow me around?

Cait: Yep! Then, you could have all the lollypops you want in exchange for our protection!

Thao: Hey, I think I see where this is going…

Sesshy: … kami help me…

Rin: (pondering) What would you need protection from?

Cait: From Lord Sesshoumaru! He keeps wanting to kill us, for some reason…

Thao: Just think, Rin: if we followed you around all the time, you'd always have someone to play with!

Cait: And we don't tell boring stories like that talking snotwad over there. (points at Jaken)

Jaken: (from behind Sesshy, sounding quite indignant) Hey! I don't tell boring stories!!!

Sesshy: Actually, you do, Jaken. That's why everyone falls asleep when you start telling one.

Jaken: (sounding put out) ….I thought that was because I had such a soothing voice…

Thao: …You're kidding, right?

Cait: Your voice is about as soothing as the sound of someone dragging a cheese grater across sheet metal.

(Thao, Sesshy, Rin, and Ah-Un nod in agreement; Jaken bursts into tears)

Jaken: (snotbubbling) You all hate me!!!

(Everyone nods again)

Jaken: WAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! (runs off into the woods)

Sesshy: (looking slightly impressed) Huh. I've been trying for five hundred years to get rid of him, and you two do it in five minutes.

Thao: It's a gift.

Cait: Do not question our awesome powers!

Sesshy: Fine, you three can travel with us—

Cait & Thao: Yay!

Sesshy: Let me finish!!!! (Cait and Thao quiet down) There is one condition: You two must stop being so irritating.

Cait: Sorry, no can do! That's just part of who we are!

Thao: How bout we comb your hair and rub your feet each evening instead?

Sesshy: (thinks about it) Fine.

Cait: Coolzie. Now that that's settled… I call hair duty!

Thao: Dammit!

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Yeah, kinda crappy ending, but I couldn't think of anything else. Thank you everyone who read the first chapter! Special thanks to Serentochan, HarleyXX24, ShimmeringWaters, and darknessofmyheart for reviewing!

Please review, peoples! I really wanna know what you think! Also, if anyone can come up with a better title for the whole story, please tell me! (get's down on knees and begs) I couldn't come up with anything better!


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